There’s a fire in the kitchen; or, more offensive futility.

Have you ever had one of those moments? You know, the kind that happens when you are almost done with something (like cleaning the kitchen), but then you take a step back and take a looooong look at what is left. It really doesn’t seem like much. Nobody will see the dust under the shelves. Nobody will actually look to see if the gunk under the burners is wiped up. I might not have finished, but it’s just… good enough.

You know that feeling? It’s usually right. No one usually notices the cleaning deficiencies. However, every once and a while your mother-in-law comes over, and you better believe she’ll find ALL the dust! Then you go to heat up some water for her tea, and the gunk under the burner bursts into flame. Then suddenly your mother-in-law is screaming at you from the other room about how this wouldn’t have happened had you just cleaned the stove, and by the way, you’ll get mice and roaches because of the dust under the shelves. Meanwhile, you are fumbling for the fire extinguisher from under the sink and the neighbors are pounding on the wall and the smoke detector is going off and you finally figure out how to work the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.

After all the drama, you have one hot mess in the kitchen and one angry mother-in-law. See? Not doing the cleaning does come back to bite you.

***

Enter the Twins offense. Yesterday, the Twins scored five runs in the period of two innings. At that point, it was as if the hitters took a step back and examined their work, and it was good. They thought, “You know, that’s good enough. Our pitchers pretty much rock, and usually when we score five runs, we win. We rock. Come over here and pat me on the back. Oh, you? Sure, I’ll pat you onĀ  the back too. Anyone want a Mai Tai? We’re done here.”

…And then the Twins’ collective mother-in-law came over when Perkins gave up back-to-back home-runs. At that point, the offense could have hastily brushed up some of the dust (possibly using the metaphorical cat) and wiped under the burners quick like a fox. Instead, they thought, “Nah, it’s good. We’ll be just fine. We still have a run. It’s not like the, erm, home runs (okay, so the metaphor is falling apart) will want some tea.”

…And then came Boof Bonser, who is really much more of a crumpets guy. When the, er, home runs inquired about tea and maybe inviting over some company, he was more than happy to oblige. Another home run followed, and suddenly the offense was dealing with a burning, screaming, pounding, hot mess. They looked at the scene and yelled, “Ahhhhh!!! Where’s the fire extinguisher?! Where’s the fire blanket?! Oh, where, oh where is Pat Neshek (it turns out he was busy prepping for a podcast with Seth Stohs, which should be very much worth the listen tomorrow at 8pm central)??!!!”

So, the Twins got out the backup fire extinguisher (Matt Guerrier), and it turns out, in an ironic twist worthy of Family Guy, that Guerrier was a joke fire extinguisher, and by the time he stopped laughing, another run had crossed the plate.

At this point, the offense panicked and ran, leaving all their friends to either burn to death or spit out the fire, neither of which turned out to be terribly feasible.

***

Yeah, making up metaphors that fall apart almost immediately is fun. However, the idea was to draw attention to a very real problem the Twins are facing: Their mothers-in-law are attending every game, causing untold amounts of stress (I kid because I love). Actually, name the last time the Twins made a habit of scoring runs in the late innings in a non-blowout situation? You have to look back to mid-June. Remember when, even though the Twins would be behind three or five runs, we just knew they would come back and win it? Remember when a three or five run lead was destined to stand up, just because that is what happens in a just world? It seems those days are past us. So, until then, I am praying for daily blowouts.

You know there is a problem when Matt Macri pinch hits and you heave a sigh of relief. Then, he strikes out on four pitches and you think, “You know, that could have been worse.” Yeah, we’re there. And state farm won’t help us this time.

New on my list:

  • The ‘Pen. And the Offense. And, well, everything to do with this team right now.
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One Response

  1. I am not worried about the offense. Hitters go hot and cold at times. I am more worried about the bullpen. Who the hell do you trust? A playoff team requires a good bullpen, and this year’s Twins team does not have a good pen, which is why Chicago will win the division.

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